I am the youngest of four girls. I have a 25 year old sister, a 27 year old sister and a 29 year old sister. And I grew up in a Mormon household. That is important because marriage, kids, family is a HUGE thing in that belief system, remember that as I continue my semi depressing rant about my thoughts and feelings..oooo feelings. So anyway here I am at the age of 23 and I can't help but feel like a complete disapointment. My oldest sister had two kids by my age, unmarried but still two beautiful children that love her and she had a family, my other sister at my age was married for about 4 years if my math is correct, and they still are happily married, my other sister was engaged (didn't work he was an asshole) and was about to graduate from UNIVERSITY. And here I am, a college drop out, working retail, living in sin with my boyfriend and we have no plans for children, or marriage, which is a topic all on it's own. So I look at my sisters and feel dissapointed in myself for not being able to live up to the expectations that they have unintentionally set for me. And believe me I am trying. I keep getting told by my bff's (yes I used BFF) that I was born in a completely different generation, with different morals and different lifestyles, which is very true. Marriage in my time is useless, why would I sign a piece of paper saying that I am legally bound to a dude? Why? Shouldn't marriage be about love and not about taxes, give me a ring and a name change (I fully believe my breed should die out) maybe even a small party, and I'm good to go. But that scares me because what will my parents think if I show up saying "oh hey mom, I'm not gettin married, and I'm not actually married but ooo look at my pretty ring and oh I'm a *insert boyfriends last name here* but we don't have a marriage certificate because what's the point? Common law is the same thing nowadays. *sign* Then to top it off I keep getting asked if I plan on going back to school anytime soon? Um most likely no. I have alot of debt (student loans inculded) I don't want any more debt as it is, and maybe I don't work with children like I wanted to, but maybe I will be the lady whos been in retail my entire life? Sooo that's my life. Oh and to top it off I have told them (yes I understand that I am still young and things might change) but I won't be going back to church, because I was unhappy there, and I feel like when it comes to spirituality happiness should be included. OH well. I know my family loves me and they know I am trying hard to please them and from what I gathered, they are proud of me for living my life the way I see fit and not following anybody but dancing to the beat of my own drum, but my golly did my drum have to beat so differently than everyone else in my family? I feel like everyone feels this though. And I do enjoy who Ive become and my life. I wish I didn't suffer from anxiety from people, and I have the greatest friends and my boyfriend is a thing of legends, so I am very very happy, and I'm slowly accepting the fact that I feel so different and alone in my family functions because I feel like they don't fully get me (which I know everyone feels) But hey at least I am done my rant for the day, and I know no body reads my blog unless I decide to post it on facebook going "hey read my most inner thoughts!" but at least my feelings are out there in the cyber universe instead of just rattling through my brain and my heart *Fake sob*
PS My mother doesn't even know what the TARDIS is. saaad day. saaaad day
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Do I?
A part of me is hesitant to discuss this next stage in my life, this part that I don't like to talk about, this point in my life that changed me into the person I am today. But if I don't talk about it then does that mean I am ashamed of it? I don't know. ugh, overthinking sucks. But then maybe, just maybe if by some unknown chance maybe my story will strike a nerve and hopefully might give the people who need it motivation to do what is hard but needed, sooo here it is...
After my breakup with Tanner, I was a mess, and I left the city to try my luck in Edmonton. Big mistake. There I met a guy and he caught my attention, man did he ever, we started talking, then became friends, then became something more, and this was not like anything I had ever experienced. At first we started wrestling, then we actually would fight, and I enjoyed it, it was all in good fun, and I could get my frustrations of the world out. But then his extreme possessiveness and things he started saying and I ended things, but then we met up to talk and I confessed to going out on a date with another guy, and the next thing I knew he slapped me across the face, his ring catching me and giving me a black eye, I was shocked but I wasn't mad, because just a year earlier I had slapped Tanner for the excat same thing, who was I to say "fuck you asshole"
But I still left the city and moved to Calgary, where since I was stupid continued to talk to him, until one day he asked me to marry him.....we had only known each other for 6 months but my sisters had all known thier boyfriends before rings were involved, and seeing as how I really believed that at 21 I was old enough that I should have been married by then, believed him and went back to Edmonton. Thats when things started going down real fucking quick. I had no job, and he wouldn't let me get one because then I would start making friends and would leave to go hang out with them and wouldnt be at his beck and call every minute of the day, but it was my money that we used for useless things (last paycheque) and he walked me to everyplace that I dropped of resume. Then he decided that he should drive my car to work, and put my keys on his keyring, claiming that since he was paying for the gas he could drive. Then the fights started, because hell no. He started to say mean things, really mean things, and I knew I was in trouble but didn't know what to do. I was 6 hours away and had no money, I was screwed I thought. Till finally shit went down, I tried to leave and he shoved me and took my car keys saying he was the one that was going for a drive, I took them out of his pocket, sat on them and he came and tried to push me off them, I snapped, I grabbed at his throat, something he always did to me when he wanted me to shut up, and try to make me pass out when I apparently can't pass out by having my throat crushed, and I know this all sounds bad, but please don't take pity on me, it taught me a very valuable lesson and I turned my whole life around for the better. But I had then said "You take my car I will fucking call the cops on you." and he didn't like that all very much...because that's when the beating happened, this guy was short but during our good times he was able to pick me and throw me across the room, we use to make a game out of it. So when I said beat, I mean it. I was screaming and crying and he was yelling at me to shut up whiny bitch, and hit me harder, so I bit my tongue and tried to fight back, eventually he stopped, after two black eyes, sore ribs, a deaf ear from being clocked in the side of the head, and I don't know what, but he punched me on the joint of my knee, and I couldn't walk for a week, until finally I cracked it, but it still causes me problems. After Tanner, who I had drunkenly beat up on night, I felt like I had deserved this abuse because I had also abused Tanner in a way, I hurt him bad, but after that moment I realized that I got what I gave out, my karma was repaid, I had a brand new slate, to try and not be such a dick, because then maybe these bad things wouldn't happen to me. In that moment, laying in the fetal position trying to keep from sobbing, was when I decided that I was going to do my best to be a better person and I was holding on to so much anger, that I realized I did not want to become like this very angry man who let himself become a monster. But that doesn't mean I didn't mentally suffer, I couldn't walk for a week, plus wasn't allowed out of the house until my black eyes left, and I couldn't sleep, stayed up all night staring at sleeping pills, wondering if this was the best solution, then one day I ran from the house, called my sister and told her I needed help. My parents came the very next day to pick up my stuff and move me in to my sisters basement yet again.
I did have to get over it, it took me awhile to stop lieing compulsively, to be more honest with everything, I drank every weekend, contemplated suicide on multiple occasions, then I hit rock bottom, and finally told my sisters and friends everything, and they limited my drinking took every sharp object out of my room. I was still scared of men, the first time working alone with a guy at work I had massive anxiety attacks and my friend (boss) told me she was a phone call away. But me and him got to know each other, and I was comfortable with him, I hadn't seen any guy since I returned and I stopped talking to him and even to Tanner, who I was still friends with, I removed every toxic thing in my life, and yeah I still am afraid to turn the corner and see him here looking for me, which I know is ridicolous, but still, but I also know that he can't touch me anymore. If he ever tried he would be the one not walking away. I'm more honest now, I don't take anyones bullshit, if something rubs me the wrong way I will tell you, but I will do so in a calmy fashion (moooost times) So it wasn't all bad, well it was but it was also good. Right now in my life I couldn't be happier soooo
After my breakup with Tanner, I was a mess, and I left the city to try my luck in Edmonton. Big mistake. There I met a guy and he caught my attention, man did he ever, we started talking, then became friends, then became something more, and this was not like anything I had ever experienced. At first we started wrestling, then we actually would fight, and I enjoyed it, it was all in good fun, and I could get my frustrations of the world out. But then his extreme possessiveness and things he started saying and I ended things, but then we met up to talk and I confessed to going out on a date with another guy, and the next thing I knew he slapped me across the face, his ring catching me and giving me a black eye, I was shocked but I wasn't mad, because just a year earlier I had slapped Tanner for the excat same thing, who was I to say "fuck you asshole"
But I still left the city and moved to Calgary, where since I was stupid continued to talk to him, until one day he asked me to marry him.....we had only known each other for 6 months but my sisters had all known thier boyfriends before rings were involved, and seeing as how I really believed that at 21 I was old enough that I should have been married by then, believed him and went back to Edmonton. Thats when things started going down real fucking quick. I had no job, and he wouldn't let me get one because then I would start making friends and would leave to go hang out with them and wouldnt be at his beck and call every minute of the day, but it was my money that we used for useless things (last paycheque) and he walked me to everyplace that I dropped of resume. Then he decided that he should drive my car to work, and put my keys on his keyring, claiming that since he was paying for the gas he could drive. Then the fights started, because hell no. He started to say mean things, really mean things, and I knew I was in trouble but didn't know what to do. I was 6 hours away and had no money, I was screwed I thought. Till finally shit went down, I tried to leave and he shoved me and took my car keys saying he was the one that was going for a drive, I took them out of his pocket, sat on them and he came and tried to push me off them, I snapped, I grabbed at his throat, something he always did to me when he wanted me to shut up, and try to make me pass out when I apparently can't pass out by having my throat crushed, and I know this all sounds bad, but please don't take pity on me, it taught me a very valuable lesson and I turned my whole life around for the better. But I had then said "You take my car I will fucking call the cops on you." and he didn't like that all very much...because that's when the beating happened, this guy was short but during our good times he was able to pick me and throw me across the room, we use to make a game out of it. So when I said beat, I mean it. I was screaming and crying and he was yelling at me to shut up whiny bitch, and hit me harder, so I bit my tongue and tried to fight back, eventually he stopped, after two black eyes, sore ribs, a deaf ear from being clocked in the side of the head, and I don't know what, but he punched me on the joint of my knee, and I couldn't walk for a week, until finally I cracked it, but it still causes me problems. After Tanner, who I had drunkenly beat up on night, I felt like I had deserved this abuse because I had also abused Tanner in a way, I hurt him bad, but after that moment I realized that I got what I gave out, my karma was repaid, I had a brand new slate, to try and not be such a dick, because then maybe these bad things wouldn't happen to me. In that moment, laying in the fetal position trying to keep from sobbing, was when I decided that I was going to do my best to be a better person and I was holding on to so much anger, that I realized I did not want to become like this very angry man who let himself become a monster. But that doesn't mean I didn't mentally suffer, I couldn't walk for a week, plus wasn't allowed out of the house until my black eyes left, and I couldn't sleep, stayed up all night staring at sleeping pills, wondering if this was the best solution, then one day I ran from the house, called my sister and told her I needed help. My parents came the very next day to pick up my stuff and move me in to my sisters basement yet again.
I did have to get over it, it took me awhile to stop lieing compulsively, to be more honest with everything, I drank every weekend, contemplated suicide on multiple occasions, then I hit rock bottom, and finally told my sisters and friends everything, and they limited my drinking took every sharp object out of my room. I was still scared of men, the first time working alone with a guy at work I had massive anxiety attacks and my friend (boss) told me she was a phone call away. But me and him got to know each other, and I was comfortable with him, I hadn't seen any guy since I returned and I stopped talking to him and even to Tanner, who I was still friends with, I removed every toxic thing in my life, and yeah I still am afraid to turn the corner and see him here looking for me, which I know is ridicolous, but still, but I also know that he can't touch me anymore. If he ever tried he would be the one not walking away. I'm more honest now, I don't take anyones bullshit, if something rubs me the wrong way I will tell you, but I will do so in a calmy fashion (moooost times) So it wasn't all bad, well it was but it was also good. Right now in my life I couldn't be happier soooo
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