Sick and sad

So I got a cold from a buddy. So I feel like crap. The to make things worse I had a dream about him, so I woke up sad :( In my dream me and his sister were at his house doing who knows what? And he walks in and he has his old goatee back and just generally looks like the old tanner. He looked at me and said "Im falling in love again" My response?
Fuck off and go to hell.
His sisters response?: OMG YOU GUYS CAN GET BACK TOGETHER
Me: No Geena hes not in love with me. I can't think like that or I'll go crazy
Later in the dream I asked tanner about it and he said he was falling in love with me but got back together with the dumb skank.
Oh fooled my twice. ugh I'm so pissed off.

unreal

It stills really unreal. Sometimes I feel like it never happened. Like not the breakup but the fact that we were ever together. When I'm happy I forget that we dated and that I loved him with everything in my body. When I hate my life. like the fact that I have creeps trying to get in my pants again and that fact that I live with my parents do I get mad at him for putting me in this situation.
I don't know who I am without him and I know I need to find out for sure. I'm even doubting school because I went to college for him. Something will happen and I feel like it's me again because I can feel that tiny spark of Caysie Life in them, (im kinda mischeivious) but I still feel like a giant part of me is missing still. I no longer grieve for him, I grieve for me, I don't miss him I miss the closeness that we had. And if I could skip the newness and awkardness with someone and go straight to the comfy closeness I would but life isn't like that. I'm turning twenty. In one year I will be as old as my sister when she had kids, and when she was married and when she was getting married. (I have three sisters) And now I don't even have a boyfriend. I feel like the complete love loser in the family. Don't anyone say I'm still young, yes i get that. but look at my family. I think it's natural to feel like I should have been married by 21. I wish I could spend all day in bed, but I know I have to get on with life

Heartbroken

I was in love with someone and he left me for another girl. When he broke up with me, I had already packed my car with essentails because I was tired of crying every night of having dark dark thoughts and of him doing absolutely nothing about it. Literally. I woke him up one morning to tell him that I was having really dark thoughts and he looked at me, got up and left the room. I don't have those thoughts now because now theres no point ending my life for some guy who treated me like that. I'm not some tragic shakespeare female character. For the next couple of days I was a mess, couldn't get out of bed and cried all the time. I was all over the place. The day I found out that he slept with the other girl and they were dating is the day I finally felt put back together. I no longer wanted him back and realized that I deserved much better. Needless to say it felt like every molecule was slammed back together forcefully but hey I was together again. Beatened, and bloodied and bruised and barely breathing, but together. I climbed into the back seat because let's face it all I wanted to do is to run him over for caring so little for the years we shared together. And my friends asked me how I was doing I responded with "Do you know what happens to girls like me? They get married" And I started to laugh and laugh. I felt completely empty. I couldnt eat because I couldn't feel my stomach and I couldn't feel my heart beat. Lately I felt my heart beat for the first time, and with it the intense pain of what could only be a shattered heart. Then I felt as if I got punched in the stomach and it was only a few days ago that I felt my stomach growl with hunger because I eat once a day for two weeks. At least I'm back to my 17year old body. And I'm craving a massive cheeseburger like mad. I'm no where close to being up and running 100% I don't miss people and right now I dont miss him, which is nice, I just miss the closeness we had, well what I thought we had. Let's face it, I'm ready to settle down. But to do that I have to find myself first. When you are in a relationship you chisle yourself away to make room for them, so you like what they like and dislike what they dislike and when they are gone you are left with this huge hole where they were, and you need to fill it up with yourself, Two and a half years of chisling away leaves a pretty big hole so every so often I decide if the things I loved for two and a half years was Me or Him. Its slow but I also have super awesome friends that I'm with whenever possible. I don't like being a loose cannon, with nothing holding me down in one spot, it makes me feel all over the place, and unlike some people I'm super loyal. Happiness is different. Single happiness is a light free feelings, and relationship happiness is a heavy stable feeling. Right now before I can fall back to earth I need to learn to control my light freedom withou making a mess....Oh the facebook relationship thing that says "Its complicated" should really be "I'm complicated"

Love with a side of Cheese

With Valentines Day coming up I've been thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend (obviously) and I realized that I am not a cheesy person. My relationship with my Grizzly Bear is a noncheesy one. We don't whisper sweet nothings to each other we don't write love notes in each others lunches and we say "I love you" all the time, but we respond like this "I have grown fond of you these past few years as well." or "I think this is going too fast" Then we ran away from each other and the other one chases the other, tackles, and hugs and goes "FOREVER AND EVER" we like to creep each other out and I usually win. My facebook page is the most cheesy part of our relationship, because let's face it I'm madly in love with the guy and my love for him needs to be publically announced because I can't keep it in and need to inform the world that I have the greatest guy and that every girl out there should be jealous.
So I was at the bar the other night and instead of one couple having methaphorical sex on the dancefloor...there was seven...which was gross and ridicoulous. And as much as I love making out with my boyfriend and grinding with him and having methaphorical sex with him, the whole sex on the dancefloor is alittle bit overrated. I just am not going to the bars again from feb.1 to feb.14. Because if I wanted to watch exorbishionist porn I would stay home and watch pay per view.
I do not have a cheesy relationship at all. For our first Valentines Day we went to Friday the 13th in theatres. (He had to come in my house and check the closest and under the bed) For our One Year Anniversary we had a really nice supper at a really nice restaurant downtown, he gave me a beautiful necklace, and we poured salt in the candle, and went home and ate chips and oreos in bed and watched some horror movie. For our second Valentines Day we stayed on the bed all day because we..well I was so hungover from his birthday celebration the night before, he got in trouble with the gift but thats a whole different story. For our Two Year we ate supper at our own house and went to the movies and this Valentines Day we are both working and will probably say "I love u" in bed...before we fall asleep. That's how cheesy we are. He's so great though that I want to be cheesy but in the end we end up wrestling and beating on each other. For those who know me know I bruise like a peach and there was a time where I would leave with bruises all over me, from our friendly beating. No domestic violence, I like rough housing and so does he so we just beat on each other. End of story. He's perfect for me and I'm excited for Valentines Day, just because I have someone who loves me as much as I love him and let's face it...it's alot. Happy Lovers Day People, hope you spend a few hours with the person of your dreams..cuz I will be

Two years ago

Wow it's so weird to think I've come this far...that we've come to this far. Two years ago to this day...I was on a date with (who i will call) Grizzly. We have agreed to casual dating. That way he could take me out on dates and hang out with me and I get free dinner and movie without having the attachment of having a boyfriend, something I didn't want. For the past couple months Grizzly and I hung out and texted frequently, and he became one of my best friends faster than anyone ever has. When I became single he started to persistently ask me out, not just casual but an actually boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Each time I said no, because I wasn't ready for another relationship so soon after my previous relationship had ended on bad terms, and let's face it my ex boyfriend was kind of a jerk, and I was moving to Edmonton after graduation. So the month were on where we would still hang out and every time Grizzly would ask me to be his girlfriend. His persistence was admirable and very sweet, but I felt bad every time I said no. Two years ago today something changed. We went to the movies and walking there he grabbed my hand to hold it. And I freaked out, saying I couldn't do it.The rest of the night was pretty awkward, and when we dropped me off at home we had the same conversation we've been having since December 4th 2008, and my answer was always the same. No. When I went inside my room, and for the first time since I met Grizzly, I cried, and cried, all because I wasn't with him. So I figured that was a sign, and I decided that if I was unhappy because I wasn't with him, it then something needed to change...so I texted him saying I needed to talk to him tomorrow as soon as he was able to.