I am the youngest of four girls. I have a 25 year old sister, a 27 year old sister and a 29 year old sister. And I grew up in a Mormon household. That is important because marriage, kids, family is a HUGE thing in that belief system, remember that as I continue my semi depressing rant about my thoughts and feelings..oooo feelings. So anyway here I am at the age of 23 and I can't help but feel like a complete disapointment. My oldest sister had two kids by my age, unmarried but still two beautiful children that love her and she had a family, my other sister at my age was married for about 4 years if my math is correct, and they still are happily married, my other sister was engaged (didn't work he was an asshole) and was about to graduate from UNIVERSITY. And here I am, a college drop out, working retail, living in sin with my boyfriend and we have no plans for children, or marriage, which is a topic all on it's own. So I look at my sisters and feel dissapointed in myself for not being able to live up to the expectations that they have unintentionally set for me. And believe me I am trying. I keep getting told by my bff's (yes I used BFF) that I was born in a completely different generation, with different morals and different lifestyles, which is very true. Marriage in my time is useless, why would I sign a piece of paper saying that I am legally bound to a dude? Why? Shouldn't marriage be about love and not about taxes, give me a ring and a name change (I fully believe my breed should die out) maybe even a small party, and I'm good to go. But that scares me because what will my parents think if I show up saying "oh hey mom, I'm not gettin married, and I'm not actually married but ooo look at my pretty ring and oh I'm a *insert boyfriends last name here* but we don't have a marriage certificate because what's the point? Common law is the same thing nowadays. *sign* Then to top it off I keep getting asked if I plan on going back to school anytime soon? Um most likely no. I have alot of debt (student loans inculded) I don't want any more debt as it is, and maybe I don't work with children like I wanted to, but maybe I will be the lady whos been in retail my entire life? Sooo that's my life. Oh and to top it off I have told them (yes I understand that I am still young and things might change) but I won't be going back to church, because I was unhappy there, and I feel like when it comes to spirituality happiness should be included. OH well. I know my family loves me and they know I am trying hard to please them and from what I gathered, they are proud of me for living my life the way I see fit and not following anybody but dancing to the beat of my own drum, but my golly did my drum have to beat so differently than everyone else in my family? I feel like everyone feels this though. And I do enjoy who Ive become and my life. I wish I didn't suffer from anxiety from people, and I have the greatest friends and my boyfriend is a thing of legends, so I am very very happy, and I'm slowly accepting the fact that I feel so different and alone in my family functions because I feel like they don't fully get me (which I know everyone feels) But hey at least I am done my rant for the day, and I know no body reads my blog unless I decide to post it on facebook going "hey read my most inner thoughts!" but at least my feelings are out there in the cyber universe instead of just rattling through my brain and my heart *Fake sob*
PS My mother doesn't even know what the TARDIS is. saaad day. saaaad day
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Do I?
A part of me is hesitant to discuss this next stage in my life, this part that I don't like to talk about, this point in my life that changed me into the person I am today. But if I don't talk about it then does that mean I am ashamed of it? I don't know. ugh, overthinking sucks. But then maybe, just maybe if by some unknown chance maybe my story will strike a nerve and hopefully might give the people who need it motivation to do what is hard but needed, sooo here it is...
After my breakup with Tanner, I was a mess, and I left the city to try my luck in Edmonton. Big mistake. There I met a guy and he caught my attention, man did he ever, we started talking, then became friends, then became something more, and this was not like anything I had ever experienced. At first we started wrestling, then we actually would fight, and I enjoyed it, it was all in good fun, and I could get my frustrations of the world out. But then his extreme possessiveness and things he started saying and I ended things, but then we met up to talk and I confessed to going out on a date with another guy, and the next thing I knew he slapped me across the face, his ring catching me and giving me a black eye, I was shocked but I wasn't mad, because just a year earlier I had slapped Tanner for the excat same thing, who was I to say "fuck you asshole"
But I still left the city and moved to Calgary, where since I was stupid continued to talk to him, until one day he asked me to marry him.....we had only known each other for 6 months but my sisters had all known thier boyfriends before rings were involved, and seeing as how I really believed that at 21 I was old enough that I should have been married by then, believed him and went back to Edmonton. Thats when things started going down real fucking quick. I had no job, and he wouldn't let me get one because then I would start making friends and would leave to go hang out with them and wouldnt be at his beck and call every minute of the day, but it was my money that we used for useless things (last paycheque) and he walked me to everyplace that I dropped of resume. Then he decided that he should drive my car to work, and put my keys on his keyring, claiming that since he was paying for the gas he could drive. Then the fights started, because hell no. He started to say mean things, really mean things, and I knew I was in trouble but didn't know what to do. I was 6 hours away and had no money, I was screwed I thought. Till finally shit went down, I tried to leave and he shoved me and took my car keys saying he was the one that was going for a drive, I took them out of his pocket, sat on them and he came and tried to push me off them, I snapped, I grabbed at his throat, something he always did to me when he wanted me to shut up, and try to make me pass out when I apparently can't pass out by having my throat crushed, and I know this all sounds bad, but please don't take pity on me, it taught me a very valuable lesson and I turned my whole life around for the better. But I had then said "You take my car I will fucking call the cops on you." and he didn't like that all very much...because that's when the beating happened, this guy was short but during our good times he was able to pick me and throw me across the room, we use to make a game out of it. So when I said beat, I mean it. I was screaming and crying and he was yelling at me to shut up whiny bitch, and hit me harder, so I bit my tongue and tried to fight back, eventually he stopped, after two black eyes, sore ribs, a deaf ear from being clocked in the side of the head, and I don't know what, but he punched me on the joint of my knee, and I couldn't walk for a week, until finally I cracked it, but it still causes me problems. After Tanner, who I had drunkenly beat up on night, I felt like I had deserved this abuse because I had also abused Tanner in a way, I hurt him bad, but after that moment I realized that I got what I gave out, my karma was repaid, I had a brand new slate, to try and not be such a dick, because then maybe these bad things wouldn't happen to me. In that moment, laying in the fetal position trying to keep from sobbing, was when I decided that I was going to do my best to be a better person and I was holding on to so much anger, that I realized I did not want to become like this very angry man who let himself become a monster. But that doesn't mean I didn't mentally suffer, I couldn't walk for a week, plus wasn't allowed out of the house until my black eyes left, and I couldn't sleep, stayed up all night staring at sleeping pills, wondering if this was the best solution, then one day I ran from the house, called my sister and told her I needed help. My parents came the very next day to pick up my stuff and move me in to my sisters basement yet again.
I did have to get over it, it took me awhile to stop lieing compulsively, to be more honest with everything, I drank every weekend, contemplated suicide on multiple occasions, then I hit rock bottom, and finally told my sisters and friends everything, and they limited my drinking took every sharp object out of my room. I was still scared of men, the first time working alone with a guy at work I had massive anxiety attacks and my friend (boss) told me she was a phone call away. But me and him got to know each other, and I was comfortable with him, I hadn't seen any guy since I returned and I stopped talking to him and even to Tanner, who I was still friends with, I removed every toxic thing in my life, and yeah I still am afraid to turn the corner and see him here looking for me, which I know is ridicolous, but still, but I also know that he can't touch me anymore. If he ever tried he would be the one not walking away. I'm more honest now, I don't take anyones bullshit, if something rubs me the wrong way I will tell you, but I will do so in a calmy fashion (moooost times) So it wasn't all bad, well it was but it was also good. Right now in my life I couldn't be happier soooo
After my breakup with Tanner, I was a mess, and I left the city to try my luck in Edmonton. Big mistake. There I met a guy and he caught my attention, man did he ever, we started talking, then became friends, then became something more, and this was not like anything I had ever experienced. At first we started wrestling, then we actually would fight, and I enjoyed it, it was all in good fun, and I could get my frustrations of the world out. But then his extreme possessiveness and things he started saying and I ended things, but then we met up to talk and I confessed to going out on a date with another guy, and the next thing I knew he slapped me across the face, his ring catching me and giving me a black eye, I was shocked but I wasn't mad, because just a year earlier I had slapped Tanner for the excat same thing, who was I to say "fuck you asshole"
But I still left the city and moved to Calgary, where since I was stupid continued to talk to him, until one day he asked me to marry him.....we had only known each other for 6 months but my sisters had all known thier boyfriends before rings were involved, and seeing as how I really believed that at 21 I was old enough that I should have been married by then, believed him and went back to Edmonton. Thats when things started going down real fucking quick. I had no job, and he wouldn't let me get one because then I would start making friends and would leave to go hang out with them and wouldnt be at his beck and call every minute of the day, but it was my money that we used for useless things (last paycheque) and he walked me to everyplace that I dropped of resume. Then he decided that he should drive my car to work, and put my keys on his keyring, claiming that since he was paying for the gas he could drive. Then the fights started, because hell no. He started to say mean things, really mean things, and I knew I was in trouble but didn't know what to do. I was 6 hours away and had no money, I was screwed I thought. Till finally shit went down, I tried to leave and he shoved me and took my car keys saying he was the one that was going for a drive, I took them out of his pocket, sat on them and he came and tried to push me off them, I snapped, I grabbed at his throat, something he always did to me when he wanted me to shut up, and try to make me pass out when I apparently can't pass out by having my throat crushed, and I know this all sounds bad, but please don't take pity on me, it taught me a very valuable lesson and I turned my whole life around for the better. But I had then said "You take my car I will fucking call the cops on you." and he didn't like that all very much...because that's when the beating happened, this guy was short but during our good times he was able to pick me and throw me across the room, we use to make a game out of it. So when I said beat, I mean it. I was screaming and crying and he was yelling at me to shut up whiny bitch, and hit me harder, so I bit my tongue and tried to fight back, eventually he stopped, after two black eyes, sore ribs, a deaf ear from being clocked in the side of the head, and I don't know what, but he punched me on the joint of my knee, and I couldn't walk for a week, until finally I cracked it, but it still causes me problems. After Tanner, who I had drunkenly beat up on night, I felt like I had deserved this abuse because I had also abused Tanner in a way, I hurt him bad, but after that moment I realized that I got what I gave out, my karma was repaid, I had a brand new slate, to try and not be such a dick, because then maybe these bad things wouldn't happen to me. In that moment, laying in the fetal position trying to keep from sobbing, was when I decided that I was going to do my best to be a better person and I was holding on to so much anger, that I realized I did not want to become like this very angry man who let himself become a monster. But that doesn't mean I didn't mentally suffer, I couldn't walk for a week, plus wasn't allowed out of the house until my black eyes left, and I couldn't sleep, stayed up all night staring at sleeping pills, wondering if this was the best solution, then one day I ran from the house, called my sister and told her I needed help. My parents came the very next day to pick up my stuff and move me in to my sisters basement yet again.
I did have to get over it, it took me awhile to stop lieing compulsively, to be more honest with everything, I drank every weekend, contemplated suicide on multiple occasions, then I hit rock bottom, and finally told my sisters and friends everything, and they limited my drinking took every sharp object out of my room. I was still scared of men, the first time working alone with a guy at work I had massive anxiety attacks and my friend (boss) told me she was a phone call away. But me and him got to know each other, and I was comfortable with him, I hadn't seen any guy since I returned and I stopped talking to him and even to Tanner, who I was still friends with, I removed every toxic thing in my life, and yeah I still am afraid to turn the corner and see him here looking for me, which I know is ridicolous, but still, but I also know that he can't touch me anymore. If he ever tried he would be the one not walking away. I'm more honest now, I don't take anyones bullshit, if something rubs me the wrong way I will tell you, but I will do so in a calmy fashion (moooost times) So it wasn't all bad, well it was but it was also good. Right now in my life I couldn't be happier soooo
Monday, April 4, 2011
Sick and sad
So I got a cold from a buddy. So I feel like crap. The to make things worse I had a dream about him, so I woke up sad :( In my dream me and his sister were at his house doing who knows what? And he walks in and he has his old goatee back and just generally looks like the old tanner. He looked at me and said "Im falling in love again" My response?
Fuck off and go to hell.
His sisters response?: OMG YOU GUYS CAN GET BACK TOGETHER
Me: No Geena hes not in love with me. I can't think like that or I'll go crazy
Later in the dream I asked tanner about it and he said he was falling in love with me but got back together with the dumb skank.
Oh fooled my twice. ugh I'm so pissed off.
Fuck off and go to hell.
His sisters response?: OMG YOU GUYS CAN GET BACK TOGETHER
Me: No Geena hes not in love with me. I can't think like that or I'll go crazy
Later in the dream I asked tanner about it and he said he was falling in love with me but got back together with the dumb skank.
Oh fooled my twice. ugh I'm so pissed off.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
unreal
It stills really unreal. Sometimes I feel like it never happened. Like not the breakup but the fact that we were ever together. When I'm happy I forget that we dated and that I loved him with everything in my body. When I hate my life. like the fact that I have creeps trying to get in my pants again and that fact that I live with my parents do I get mad at him for putting me in this situation.
I don't know who I am without him and I know I need to find out for sure. I'm even doubting school because I went to college for him. Something will happen and I feel like it's me again because I can feel that tiny spark of Caysie Life in them, (im kinda mischeivious) but I still feel like a giant part of me is missing still. I no longer grieve for him, I grieve for me, I don't miss him I miss the closeness that we had. And if I could skip the newness and awkardness with someone and go straight to the comfy closeness I would but life isn't like that. I'm turning twenty. In one year I will be as old as my sister when she had kids, and when she was married and when she was getting married. (I have three sisters) And now I don't even have a boyfriend. I feel like the complete love loser in the family. Don't anyone say I'm still young, yes i get that. but look at my family. I think it's natural to feel like I should have been married by 21. I wish I could spend all day in bed, but I know I have to get on with life
I don't know who I am without him and I know I need to find out for sure. I'm even doubting school because I went to college for him. Something will happen and I feel like it's me again because I can feel that tiny spark of Caysie Life in them, (im kinda mischeivious) but I still feel like a giant part of me is missing still. I no longer grieve for him, I grieve for me, I don't miss him I miss the closeness that we had. And if I could skip the newness and awkardness with someone and go straight to the comfy closeness I would but life isn't like that. I'm turning twenty. In one year I will be as old as my sister when she had kids, and when she was married and when she was getting married. (I have three sisters) And now I don't even have a boyfriend. I feel like the complete love loser in the family. Don't anyone say I'm still young, yes i get that. but look at my family. I think it's natural to feel like I should have been married by 21. I wish I could spend all day in bed, but I know I have to get on with life
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Heartbroken
I was in love with someone and he left me for another girl. When he broke up with me, I had already packed my car with essentails because I was tired of crying every night of having dark dark thoughts and of him doing absolutely nothing about it. Literally. I woke him up one morning to tell him that I was having really dark thoughts and he looked at me, got up and left the room. I don't have those thoughts now because now theres no point ending my life for some guy who treated me like that. I'm not some tragic shakespeare female character. For the next couple of days I was a mess, couldn't get out of bed and cried all the time. I was all over the place. The day I found out that he slept with the other girl and they were dating is the day I finally felt put back together. I no longer wanted him back and realized that I deserved much better. Needless to say it felt like every molecule was slammed back together forcefully but hey I was together again. Beatened, and bloodied and bruised and barely breathing, but together. I climbed into the back seat because let's face it all I wanted to do is to run him over for caring so little for the years we shared together. And my friends asked me how I was doing I responded with "Do you know what happens to girls like me? They get married" And I started to laugh and laugh. I felt completely empty. I couldnt eat because I couldn't feel my stomach and I couldn't feel my heart beat. Lately I felt my heart beat for the first time, and with it the intense pain of what could only be a shattered heart. Then I felt as if I got punched in the stomach and it was only a few days ago that I felt my stomach growl with hunger because I eat once a day for two weeks. At least I'm back to my 17year old body. And I'm craving a massive cheeseburger like mad. I'm no where close to being up and running 100% I don't miss people and right now I dont miss him, which is nice, I just miss the closeness we had, well what I thought we had. Let's face it, I'm ready to settle down. But to do that I have to find myself first. When you are in a relationship you chisle yourself away to make room for them, so you like what they like and dislike what they dislike and when they are gone you are left with this huge hole where they were, and you need to fill it up with yourself, Two and a half years of chisling away leaves a pretty big hole so every so often I decide if the things I loved for two and a half years was Me or Him. Its slow but I also have super awesome friends that I'm with whenever possible. I don't like being a loose cannon, with nothing holding me down in one spot, it makes me feel all over the place, and unlike some people I'm super loyal. Happiness is different. Single happiness is a light free feelings, and relationship happiness is a heavy stable feeling. Right now before I can fall back to earth I need to learn to control my light freedom withou making a mess....Oh the facebook relationship thing that says "Its complicated" should really be "I'm complicated"
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Love with a side of Cheese
With Valentines Day coming up I've been thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend (obviously) and I realized that I am not a cheesy person. My relationship with my Grizzly Bear is a noncheesy one. We don't whisper sweet nothings to each other we don't write love notes in each others lunches and we say "I love you" all the time, but we respond like this "I have grown fond of you these past few years as well." or "I think this is going too fast" Then we ran away from each other and the other one chases the other, tackles, and hugs and goes "FOREVER AND EVER" we like to creep each other out and I usually win. My facebook page is the most cheesy part of our relationship, because let's face it I'm madly in love with the guy and my love for him needs to be publically announced because I can't keep it in and need to inform the world that I have the greatest guy and that every girl out there should be jealous.
So I was at the bar the other night and instead of one couple having methaphorical sex on the dancefloor...there was seven...which was gross and ridicoulous. And as much as I love making out with my boyfriend and grinding with him and having methaphorical sex with him, the whole sex on the dancefloor is alittle bit overrated. I just am not going to the bars again from feb.1 to feb.14. Because if I wanted to watch exorbishionist porn I would stay home and watch pay per view.
I do not have a cheesy relationship at all. For our first Valentines Day we went to Friday the 13th in theatres. (He had to come in my house and check the closest and under the bed) For our One Year Anniversary we had a really nice supper at a really nice restaurant downtown, he gave me a beautiful necklace, and we poured salt in the candle, and went home and ate chips and oreos in bed and watched some horror movie. For our second Valentines Day we stayed on the bed all day because we..well I was so hungover from his birthday celebration the night before, he got in trouble with the gift but thats a whole different story. For our Two Year we ate supper at our own house and went to the movies and this Valentines Day we are both working and will probably say "I love u" in bed...before we fall asleep. That's how cheesy we are. He's so great though that I want to be cheesy but in the end we end up wrestling and beating on each other. For those who know me know I bruise like a peach and there was a time where I would leave with bruises all over me, from our friendly beating. No domestic violence, I like rough housing and so does he so we just beat on each other. End of story. He's perfect for me and I'm excited for Valentines Day, just because I have someone who loves me as much as I love him and let's face it...it's alot. Happy Lovers Day People, hope you spend a few hours with the person of your dreams..cuz I will be
So I was at the bar the other night and instead of one couple having methaphorical sex on the dancefloor...there was seven...which was gross and ridicoulous. And as much as I love making out with my boyfriend and grinding with him and having methaphorical sex with him, the whole sex on the dancefloor is alittle bit overrated. I just am not going to the bars again from feb.1 to feb.14. Because if I wanted to watch exorbishionist porn I would stay home and watch pay per view.
I do not have a cheesy relationship at all. For our first Valentines Day we went to Friday the 13th in theatres. (He had to come in my house and check the closest and under the bed) For our One Year Anniversary we had a really nice supper at a really nice restaurant downtown, he gave me a beautiful necklace, and we poured salt in the candle, and went home and ate chips and oreos in bed and watched some horror movie. For our second Valentines Day we stayed on the bed all day because we..well I was so hungover from his birthday celebration the night before, he got in trouble with the gift but thats a whole different story. For our Two Year we ate supper at our own house and went to the movies and this Valentines Day we are both working and will probably say "I love u" in bed...before we fall asleep. That's how cheesy we are. He's so great though that I want to be cheesy but in the end we end up wrestling and beating on each other. For those who know me know I bruise like a peach and there was a time where I would leave with bruises all over me, from our friendly beating. No domestic violence, I like rough housing and so does he so we just beat on each other. End of story. He's perfect for me and I'm excited for Valentines Day, just because I have someone who loves me as much as I love him and let's face it...it's alot. Happy Lovers Day People, hope you spend a few hours with the person of your dreams..cuz I will be
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Two years ago
Wow it's so weird to think I've come this far...that we've come to this far. Two years ago to this day...I was on a date with (who i will call) Grizzly. We have agreed to casual dating. That way he could take me out on dates and hang out with me and I get free dinner and movie without having the attachment of having a boyfriend, something I didn't want. For the past couple months Grizzly and I hung out and texted frequently, and he became one of my best friends faster than anyone ever has. When I became single he started to persistently ask me out, not just casual but an actually boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Each time I said no, because I wasn't ready for another relationship so soon after my previous relationship had ended on bad terms, and let's face it my ex boyfriend was kind of a jerk, and I was moving to Edmonton after graduation. So the month were on where we would still hang out and every time Grizzly would ask me to be his girlfriend. His persistence was admirable and very sweet, but I felt bad every time I said no. Two years ago today something changed. We went to the movies and walking there he grabbed my hand to hold it. And I freaked out, saying I couldn't do it.The rest of the night was pretty awkward, and when we dropped me off at home we had the same conversation we've been having since December 4th 2008, and my answer was always the same. No. When I went inside my room, and for the first time since I met Grizzly, I cried, and cried, all because I wasn't with him. So I figured that was a sign, and I decided that if I was unhappy because I wasn't with him, it then something needed to change...so I texted him saying I needed to talk to him tomorrow as soon as he was able to.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Christmas
Soo this is my first christmas living in a house that no one with the same blood as me lives in...its a big step...my boyfriend and i bought our very first christmas tree and lights...not enough lights so just the bottom half of it is covered.... lol, my roommate and i named our tree Bertha...we found a box of my boyfriends christmas ornaments in a box..and we put them up, tanner will make us take them down once he buys some more lights. as i was putting on the ornaments...without my family i felt sad. and as i put up ornaments from my boyfriends childhood I couldnt help but be proud and think "his mom would love Bertha" in a few more days it will be a year since she passed. and it never gets easier. she was like another mother to me, and one of the ncest ladies you would ever imagine. I loved her. and I miss her.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
What I Like About You
So I'm watching this show called What I Like About You. It stars Amanda Bynes and some blonde girl that plays her older sister. This show is about a teenager girl (amanda) who lives with her oldest sister (the blonde one) I really like this show because I use to live with my eldest sister. Not like with the family and parents, but when I moved out for the first time I moved into her place and took over, basically her entire basement. Which was the biggest room ive ever had! and it was so nice to actually live by my own rules...which were her rules plus a few. My oldest sister has been my biggest hero and role model my whole live so living with her was some of the best few months of my life. She has two kids who would wake me up in the early morning so I would stomp upstairs to tell them to be quiet, and as soon as I got upstairs both of the kids would see me and the hugest grins broke out on thier faces and who can be grumpy with those faces beaming at you? Well anyway I just wanted to write a blog (because I'm a cool kid who doesnt want to do homework) about how much I had loved living with my oldest sister Liz. When we had to move and go our separate ways, I would cry myself to sleep most nights because I missed her. And when I visited her at her new place I could barely bring myself to leave it. Even now when I'm living with my boyfriend I still wish I could live with her. And I know that if something ever happens and I have to evacuate the premises I'm going to end up on her doorstep with my bags asking for room and board. with puppy dog eyes of course. And I would be happy.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Life And Death
Ok. So I've come to the startling conclusion that I was meant to stay alive. Someone up there in the big blue sky either really likes me, finds makin my life inconvenient too amusing to end, or has HUGE plans for me. I have had SO many life and death situations that I have come out unscathed I'm starting to get the invincibility syndrome. A syndrome where I think I'm invincible. It's pretty self explanatory. I will tell you ALL of them.
A few hours after I was born. I was stopped breathing. I did the whole blue thing and stuff. But the loving doctors saved me! If I had an idiot doctor I probably would have died!
A few years later, when I was six years old or seven I climbed up on the high dive of the swimming pool...once I was on the top I passed out and fell backwards...on the cement. My heel hit the stairs on the way down, and I would have hit my head if I hadn't fallen on my elbow which was conveniently falling faster than my head.
A little while later.. about two years ago, me being a smart person that I am, decided to jump on a moving train in bare feet (I was wearing flip flops so I put them in my purse because they probably would have gotten in the way anyway) (the ground was covered in those tiny sharp rocks btw) So by the time my friend had jumped off the train was moving faster than before. I had a moment of "oh crap" but knew if I hesitated any longer the train would be moving even faster and I would be screwed, and not in the good way. So without thinking I jumped. My bare feet hit the sharp rocks and I fell...I hit my head, but luckily once again my elbow took the blunt of the fall, and it was once again covered in blood trying to protect my brain, I couldn't move my arm for a few days, but it's good now. Once I was on the ground and my friend had ran over to make sure I was okay, did it actually hit me how dumb we were to do that. And how close we came to playing with death. Lots of people die from trains, and I decided to be a cool kid and tempt fate...I am now scared with trains, don't mess with them, they are more intense than tractors...ok nothing is more intense than tractors.
Nothing really happened to my memory until a few days ago...yesterday actually. So I'm driving with my roommate, and its the first snow fall and the roads are terrible!! Ive been slipping and thanking God for my Jimmy (named Jemina) because my old car would not be able to handle all the curbs I've ran into lately. As I was driving down the highway on this huge hill, I had to switch lanes, since there was an accident, the speed limit was 80km and I was going 50km, because this may be just my second winter driving, I'm not dumb, you don't slam on your brakes and you won't be able to stop going 80, soo I switched lanes and all of a sudden my roommate and I are spinning...full on 360's, we see this huge drop that the highway is above and we both thought we were going to end up in the park below us...at least 20 feet down. So shes sitting there quietly and I'm yelling "OMG OMG OMG WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO!!" And we end up aiming at the oncoming traffic...on the meridian sidewalk thing...so we were safe from both sides of the highway, shaking, and the first person I wanted to call was my mom. She knows everything no matter what the situation is and how old you are...your mom knows all the answers... its just convenient that shes married to a mechanic...but they are in Hawaii...so I call the next person I call in emergency when my mom is unavailable. I call my oldest sister. As soon as I hear her voice I start bawling, then I start laughing because I'm kinda an inappropriate laugh-er. I laughed when I'm in pain and when I'm terrified. So she announced that she was on her way to see if she can help. And I was about to call my boyfriends dad to see what he thinks I should do when a policeman comes up and helps me off the meridian and back onto the traffic where I go home, call my boyfriend crying, and relax.
Someone wants me alive
A few hours after I was born. I was stopped breathing. I did the whole blue thing and stuff. But the loving doctors saved me! If I had an idiot doctor I probably would have died!
A few years later, when I was six years old or seven I climbed up on the high dive of the swimming pool...once I was on the top I passed out and fell backwards...on the cement. My heel hit the stairs on the way down, and I would have hit my head if I hadn't fallen on my elbow which was conveniently falling faster than my head.
A little while later.. about two years ago, me being a smart person that I am, decided to jump on a moving train in bare feet (I was wearing flip flops so I put them in my purse because they probably would have gotten in the way anyway) (the ground was covered in those tiny sharp rocks btw) So by the time my friend had jumped off the train was moving faster than before. I had a moment of "oh crap" but knew if I hesitated any longer the train would be moving even faster and I would be screwed, and not in the good way. So without thinking I jumped. My bare feet hit the sharp rocks and I fell...I hit my head, but luckily once again my elbow took the blunt of the fall, and it was once again covered in blood trying to protect my brain, I couldn't move my arm for a few days, but it's good now. Once I was on the ground and my friend had ran over to make sure I was okay, did it actually hit me how dumb we were to do that. And how close we came to playing with death. Lots of people die from trains, and I decided to be a cool kid and tempt fate...I am now scared with trains, don't mess with them, they are more intense than tractors...ok nothing is more intense than tractors.
Nothing really happened to my memory until a few days ago...yesterday actually. So I'm driving with my roommate, and its the first snow fall and the roads are terrible!! Ive been slipping and thanking God for my Jimmy (named Jemina) because my old car would not be able to handle all the curbs I've ran into lately. As I was driving down the highway on this huge hill, I had to switch lanes, since there was an accident, the speed limit was 80km and I was going 50km, because this may be just my second winter driving, I'm not dumb, you don't slam on your brakes and you won't be able to stop going 80, soo I switched lanes and all of a sudden my roommate and I are spinning...full on 360's, we see this huge drop that the highway is above and we both thought we were going to end up in the park below us...at least 20 feet down. So shes sitting there quietly and I'm yelling "OMG OMG OMG WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO!!" And we end up aiming at the oncoming traffic...on the meridian sidewalk thing...so we were safe from both sides of the highway, shaking, and the first person I wanted to call was my mom. She knows everything no matter what the situation is and how old you are...your mom knows all the answers... its just convenient that shes married to a mechanic...but they are in Hawaii...so I call the next person I call in emergency when my mom is unavailable. I call my oldest sister. As soon as I hear her voice I start bawling, then I start laughing because I'm kinda an inappropriate laugh-er. I laughed when I'm in pain and when I'm terrified. So she announced that she was on her way to see if she can help. And I was about to call my boyfriends dad to see what he thinks I should do when a policeman comes up and helps me off the meridian and back onto the traffic where I go home, call my boyfriend crying, and relax.
Someone wants me alive
Thursday, November 4, 2010
sick and grumpy
I am so sick and tired of people going "oh my life is so hard" eff you, if you think your life is hard try living in mine for a day and you probably would've killed yourself by now. I'm sick. meaning everytime I get out of bed the room spins and I fall back into bed. It means that my brain is foggy and I cant focus on anything. This week was the PERFECT GOD DAMN time to get sick. Couldn't my body have waited till i dont know...Christmas? I can't afford to be sick. I wake up...go to school, stare at the front of the class like a zombie, stare at my homework while some little men are busy taking pickaxes to my brain, i take my knes lab which is the same thing as gym and I almost pass out. I sit in a three hour lecture after my knes lab, wanting to get hit by a car because then I would have a legit excuse to stay in bed all damn day. Then I go to work and sweat my balls off, trying hard nto to sneeze, snot, and cough on the goddamn pizzas...then I come home see the giant stack of homework I know I can't focus on, crawl on the couch and wish for that damn car to hit me already.
Don't sniffle
Drink lots of water
Get lots of sleep
Eat cayenne pepper capsules
Think positive energy
News flash. there is no cure for the common cold.
Don't sniffle
Drink lots of water
Get lots of sleep
Eat cayenne pepper capsules
Think positive energy
News flash. there is no cure for the common cold.
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Life and Times of Miss.Caysie
I live with my boyfriend. He's the biggest sweetheart you will ever meet, he's charming, and makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt. He also talks in his sleep, which is so frikkin hilarious.
ex) Me:I love you
Him: *laughs*
Me: whats so funny?
Him:you. *laughs again* and the stuff you want to color
Me:what do I want to color?
Tanner: you know...post war zepplin
He snores...like he's trying to suck the soul out of your body, which is fine by me, I can sleep knowing no one is going to enter our room with THAT noise going on :) He doesn't clean up after himself, and he makes nothing but macaroni despite his cooking skills. Oh and he farts...like all men do...He'll fart in his sleep and then our room will smell rank! But I love him and wouldn't change him for the world
My best friend has decided Medicine Hat wasn't for her and she moved to Three Hills to attain an education in Nursing at a Bible College. Weird I know. I cry sometimes because I miss her, but we text everyday, and see each other at least every other weekend. So it's not TOO bad. It's a bit exciting that we can still be there for each other while all these very big events are going on through our lives. We have officially been best friends for ten whole years!! We send sappy text messages to each other and when we get together we talk college to each other. Our programs are nothing similar, but we do have SOME similarites so we discuss classic conditioning and etc.
I'm going to college. Child Youth Care Counselling... College is not what I expected and yet at the same time it's everything I had imagined. There's no drama (which is nice) Lots of homework (which isnt) and I'm sleepy all the time. My courses are all communication/listening based so you would THINK it would be easy peasy common sense...not really...there's alot more to common sense then you would realize.
I work...33 hours a week...at a Pizza parlor. It sucks hairy sweaty balls...but at the same time I would love it if certain people would stop whispering about other people behind thier backs...come on I graduated high school for a reason.
That's just the jyst of my life. A surface glance at it. I'm tired all the time, stressed out and am ALWAYS on the move...and yet my house is still a mess, and my homework never goes away. Vacation please!
ex) Me:I love you
Him: *laughs*
Me: whats so funny?
Him:you. *laughs again* and the stuff you want to color
Me:what do I want to color?
Tanner: you know...post war zepplin
He snores...like he's trying to suck the soul out of your body, which is fine by me, I can sleep knowing no one is going to enter our room with THAT noise going on :) He doesn't clean up after himself, and he makes nothing but macaroni despite his cooking skills. Oh and he farts...like all men do...He'll fart in his sleep and then our room will smell rank! But I love him and wouldn't change him for the world
My best friend has decided Medicine Hat wasn't for her and she moved to Three Hills to attain an education in Nursing at a Bible College. Weird I know. I cry sometimes because I miss her, but we text everyday, and see each other at least every other weekend. So it's not TOO bad. It's a bit exciting that we can still be there for each other while all these very big events are going on through our lives. We have officially been best friends for ten whole years!! We send sappy text messages to each other and when we get together we talk college to each other. Our programs are nothing similar, but we do have SOME similarites so we discuss classic conditioning and etc.
I'm going to college. Child Youth Care Counselling... College is not what I expected and yet at the same time it's everything I had imagined. There's no drama (which is nice) Lots of homework (which isnt) and I'm sleepy all the time. My courses are all communication/listening based so you would THINK it would be easy peasy common sense...not really...there's alot more to common sense then you would realize.
I work...33 hours a week...at a Pizza parlor. It sucks hairy sweaty balls...but at the same time I would love it if certain people would stop whispering about other people behind thier backs...come on I graduated high school for a reason.
That's just the jyst of my life. A surface glance at it. I'm tired all the time, stressed out and am ALWAYS on the move...and yet my house is still a mess, and my homework never goes away. Vacation please!
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