I am the youngest of four girls. I have a 25 year old sister, a 27 year old sister and a 29 year old sister. And I grew up in a Mormon household. That is important because marriage, kids, family is a HUGE thing in that belief system, remember that as I continue my semi depressing rant about my thoughts and feelings..oooo feelings. So anyway here I am at the age of 23 and I can't help but feel like a complete disapointment. My oldest sister had two kids by my age, unmarried but still two beautiful children that love her and she had a family, my other sister at my age was married for about 4 years if my math is correct, and they still are happily married, my other sister was engaged (didn't work he was an asshole) and was about to graduate from UNIVERSITY. And here I am, a college drop out, working retail, living in sin with my boyfriend and we have no plans for children, or marriage, which is a topic all on it's own. So I look at my sisters and feel dissapointed in myself for not being able to live up to the expectations that they have unintentionally set for me. And believe me I am trying. I keep getting told by my bff's (yes I used BFF) that I was born in a completely different generation, with different morals and different lifestyles, which is very true. Marriage in my time is useless, why would I sign a piece of paper saying that I am legally bound to a dude? Why? Shouldn't marriage be about love and not about taxes, give me a ring and a name change (I fully believe my breed should die out) maybe even a small party, and I'm good to go. But that scares me because what will my parents think if I show up saying "oh hey mom, I'm not gettin married, and I'm not actually married but ooo look at my pretty ring and oh I'm a *insert boyfriends last name here* but we don't have a marriage certificate because what's the point? Common law is the same thing nowadays. *sign* Then to top it off I keep getting asked if I plan on going back to school anytime soon? Um most likely no. I have alot of debt (student loans inculded) I don't want any more debt as it is, and maybe I don't work with children like I wanted to, but maybe I will be the lady whos been in retail my entire life? Sooo that's my life. Oh and to top it off I have told them (yes I understand that I am still young and things might change) but I won't be going back to church, because I was unhappy there, and I feel like when it comes to spirituality happiness should be included. OH well. I know my family loves me and they know I am trying hard to please them and from what I gathered, they are proud of me for living my life the way I see fit and not following anybody but dancing to the beat of my own drum, but my golly did my drum have to beat so differently than everyone else in my family? I feel like everyone feels this though. And I do enjoy who Ive become and my life. I wish I didn't suffer from anxiety from people, and I have the greatest friends and my boyfriend is a thing of legends, so I am very very happy, and I'm slowly accepting the fact that I feel so different and alone in my family functions because I feel like they don't fully get me (which I know everyone feels) But hey at least I am done my rant for the day, and I know no body reads my blog unless I decide to post it on facebook going "hey read my most inner thoughts!" but at least my feelings are out there in the cyber universe instead of just rattling through my brain and my heart *Fake sob*
PS My mother doesn't even know what the TARDIS is. saaad day. saaaad day
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Do I?
A part of me is hesitant to discuss this next stage in my life, this part that I don't like to talk about, this point in my life that changed me into the person I am today. But if I don't talk about it then does that mean I am ashamed of it? I don't know. ugh, overthinking sucks. But then maybe, just maybe if by some unknown chance maybe my story will strike a nerve and hopefully might give the people who need it motivation to do what is hard but needed, sooo here it is...
After my breakup with Tanner, I was a mess, and I left the city to try my luck in Edmonton. Big mistake. There I met a guy and he caught my attention, man did he ever, we started talking, then became friends, then became something more, and this was not like anything I had ever experienced. At first we started wrestling, then we actually would fight, and I enjoyed it, it was all in good fun, and I could get my frustrations of the world out. But then his extreme possessiveness and things he started saying and I ended things, but then we met up to talk and I confessed to going out on a date with another guy, and the next thing I knew he slapped me across the face, his ring catching me and giving me a black eye, I was shocked but I wasn't mad, because just a year earlier I had slapped Tanner for the excat same thing, who was I to say "fuck you asshole"
But I still left the city and moved to Calgary, where since I was stupid continued to talk to him, until one day he asked me to marry him.....we had only known each other for 6 months but my sisters had all known thier boyfriends before rings were involved, and seeing as how I really believed that at 21 I was old enough that I should have been married by then, believed him and went back to Edmonton. Thats when things started going down real fucking quick. I had no job, and he wouldn't let me get one because then I would start making friends and would leave to go hang out with them and wouldnt be at his beck and call every minute of the day, but it was my money that we used for useless things (last paycheque) and he walked me to everyplace that I dropped of resume. Then he decided that he should drive my car to work, and put my keys on his keyring, claiming that since he was paying for the gas he could drive. Then the fights started, because hell no. He started to say mean things, really mean things, and I knew I was in trouble but didn't know what to do. I was 6 hours away and had no money, I was screwed I thought. Till finally shit went down, I tried to leave and he shoved me and took my car keys saying he was the one that was going for a drive, I took them out of his pocket, sat on them and he came and tried to push me off them, I snapped, I grabbed at his throat, something he always did to me when he wanted me to shut up, and try to make me pass out when I apparently can't pass out by having my throat crushed, and I know this all sounds bad, but please don't take pity on me, it taught me a very valuable lesson and I turned my whole life around for the better. But I had then said "You take my car I will fucking call the cops on you." and he didn't like that all very much...because that's when the beating happened, this guy was short but during our good times he was able to pick me and throw me across the room, we use to make a game out of it. So when I said beat, I mean it. I was screaming and crying and he was yelling at me to shut up whiny bitch, and hit me harder, so I bit my tongue and tried to fight back, eventually he stopped, after two black eyes, sore ribs, a deaf ear from being clocked in the side of the head, and I don't know what, but he punched me on the joint of my knee, and I couldn't walk for a week, until finally I cracked it, but it still causes me problems. After Tanner, who I had drunkenly beat up on night, I felt like I had deserved this abuse because I had also abused Tanner in a way, I hurt him bad, but after that moment I realized that I got what I gave out, my karma was repaid, I had a brand new slate, to try and not be such a dick, because then maybe these bad things wouldn't happen to me. In that moment, laying in the fetal position trying to keep from sobbing, was when I decided that I was going to do my best to be a better person and I was holding on to so much anger, that I realized I did not want to become like this very angry man who let himself become a monster. But that doesn't mean I didn't mentally suffer, I couldn't walk for a week, plus wasn't allowed out of the house until my black eyes left, and I couldn't sleep, stayed up all night staring at sleeping pills, wondering if this was the best solution, then one day I ran from the house, called my sister and told her I needed help. My parents came the very next day to pick up my stuff and move me in to my sisters basement yet again.
I did have to get over it, it took me awhile to stop lieing compulsively, to be more honest with everything, I drank every weekend, contemplated suicide on multiple occasions, then I hit rock bottom, and finally told my sisters and friends everything, and they limited my drinking took every sharp object out of my room. I was still scared of men, the first time working alone with a guy at work I had massive anxiety attacks and my friend (boss) told me she was a phone call away. But me and him got to know each other, and I was comfortable with him, I hadn't seen any guy since I returned and I stopped talking to him and even to Tanner, who I was still friends with, I removed every toxic thing in my life, and yeah I still am afraid to turn the corner and see him here looking for me, which I know is ridicolous, but still, but I also know that he can't touch me anymore. If he ever tried he would be the one not walking away. I'm more honest now, I don't take anyones bullshit, if something rubs me the wrong way I will tell you, but I will do so in a calmy fashion (moooost times) So it wasn't all bad, well it was but it was also good. Right now in my life I couldn't be happier soooo
After my breakup with Tanner, I was a mess, and I left the city to try my luck in Edmonton. Big mistake. There I met a guy and he caught my attention, man did he ever, we started talking, then became friends, then became something more, and this was not like anything I had ever experienced. At first we started wrestling, then we actually would fight, and I enjoyed it, it was all in good fun, and I could get my frustrations of the world out. But then his extreme possessiveness and things he started saying and I ended things, but then we met up to talk and I confessed to going out on a date with another guy, and the next thing I knew he slapped me across the face, his ring catching me and giving me a black eye, I was shocked but I wasn't mad, because just a year earlier I had slapped Tanner for the excat same thing, who was I to say "fuck you asshole"
But I still left the city and moved to Calgary, where since I was stupid continued to talk to him, until one day he asked me to marry him.....we had only known each other for 6 months but my sisters had all known thier boyfriends before rings were involved, and seeing as how I really believed that at 21 I was old enough that I should have been married by then, believed him and went back to Edmonton. Thats when things started going down real fucking quick. I had no job, and he wouldn't let me get one because then I would start making friends and would leave to go hang out with them and wouldnt be at his beck and call every minute of the day, but it was my money that we used for useless things (last paycheque) and he walked me to everyplace that I dropped of resume. Then he decided that he should drive my car to work, and put my keys on his keyring, claiming that since he was paying for the gas he could drive. Then the fights started, because hell no. He started to say mean things, really mean things, and I knew I was in trouble but didn't know what to do. I was 6 hours away and had no money, I was screwed I thought. Till finally shit went down, I tried to leave and he shoved me and took my car keys saying he was the one that was going for a drive, I took them out of his pocket, sat on them and he came and tried to push me off them, I snapped, I grabbed at his throat, something he always did to me when he wanted me to shut up, and try to make me pass out when I apparently can't pass out by having my throat crushed, and I know this all sounds bad, but please don't take pity on me, it taught me a very valuable lesson and I turned my whole life around for the better. But I had then said "You take my car I will fucking call the cops on you." and he didn't like that all very much...because that's when the beating happened, this guy was short but during our good times he was able to pick me and throw me across the room, we use to make a game out of it. So when I said beat, I mean it. I was screaming and crying and he was yelling at me to shut up whiny bitch, and hit me harder, so I bit my tongue and tried to fight back, eventually he stopped, after two black eyes, sore ribs, a deaf ear from being clocked in the side of the head, and I don't know what, but he punched me on the joint of my knee, and I couldn't walk for a week, until finally I cracked it, but it still causes me problems. After Tanner, who I had drunkenly beat up on night, I felt like I had deserved this abuse because I had also abused Tanner in a way, I hurt him bad, but after that moment I realized that I got what I gave out, my karma was repaid, I had a brand new slate, to try and not be such a dick, because then maybe these bad things wouldn't happen to me. In that moment, laying in the fetal position trying to keep from sobbing, was when I decided that I was going to do my best to be a better person and I was holding on to so much anger, that I realized I did not want to become like this very angry man who let himself become a monster. But that doesn't mean I didn't mentally suffer, I couldn't walk for a week, plus wasn't allowed out of the house until my black eyes left, and I couldn't sleep, stayed up all night staring at sleeping pills, wondering if this was the best solution, then one day I ran from the house, called my sister and told her I needed help. My parents came the very next day to pick up my stuff and move me in to my sisters basement yet again.
I did have to get over it, it took me awhile to stop lieing compulsively, to be more honest with everything, I drank every weekend, contemplated suicide on multiple occasions, then I hit rock bottom, and finally told my sisters and friends everything, and they limited my drinking took every sharp object out of my room. I was still scared of men, the first time working alone with a guy at work I had massive anxiety attacks and my friend (boss) told me she was a phone call away. But me and him got to know each other, and I was comfortable with him, I hadn't seen any guy since I returned and I stopped talking to him and even to Tanner, who I was still friends with, I removed every toxic thing in my life, and yeah I still am afraid to turn the corner and see him here looking for me, which I know is ridicolous, but still, but I also know that he can't touch me anymore. If he ever tried he would be the one not walking away. I'm more honest now, I don't take anyones bullshit, if something rubs me the wrong way I will tell you, but I will do so in a calmy fashion (moooost times) So it wasn't all bad, well it was but it was also good. Right now in my life I couldn't be happier soooo
Monday, April 4, 2011
Sick and sad
So I got a cold from a buddy. So I feel like crap. The to make things worse I had a dream about him, so I woke up sad :( In my dream me and his sister were at his house doing who knows what? And he walks in and he has his old goatee back and just generally looks like the old tanner. He looked at me and said "Im falling in love again" My response?
Fuck off and go to hell.
His sisters response?: OMG YOU GUYS CAN GET BACK TOGETHER
Me: No Geena hes not in love with me. I can't think like that or I'll go crazy
Later in the dream I asked tanner about it and he said he was falling in love with me but got back together with the dumb skank.
Oh fooled my twice. ugh I'm so pissed off.
Fuck off and go to hell.
His sisters response?: OMG YOU GUYS CAN GET BACK TOGETHER
Me: No Geena hes not in love with me. I can't think like that or I'll go crazy
Later in the dream I asked tanner about it and he said he was falling in love with me but got back together with the dumb skank.
Oh fooled my twice. ugh I'm so pissed off.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
unreal
It stills really unreal. Sometimes I feel like it never happened. Like not the breakup but the fact that we were ever together. When I'm happy I forget that we dated and that I loved him with everything in my body. When I hate my life. like the fact that I have creeps trying to get in my pants again and that fact that I live with my parents do I get mad at him for putting me in this situation.
I don't know who I am without him and I know I need to find out for sure. I'm even doubting school because I went to college for him. Something will happen and I feel like it's me again because I can feel that tiny spark of Caysie Life in them, (im kinda mischeivious) but I still feel like a giant part of me is missing still. I no longer grieve for him, I grieve for me, I don't miss him I miss the closeness that we had. And if I could skip the newness and awkardness with someone and go straight to the comfy closeness I would but life isn't like that. I'm turning twenty. In one year I will be as old as my sister when she had kids, and when she was married and when she was getting married. (I have three sisters) And now I don't even have a boyfriend. I feel like the complete love loser in the family. Don't anyone say I'm still young, yes i get that. but look at my family. I think it's natural to feel like I should have been married by 21. I wish I could spend all day in bed, but I know I have to get on with life
I don't know who I am without him and I know I need to find out for sure. I'm even doubting school because I went to college for him. Something will happen and I feel like it's me again because I can feel that tiny spark of Caysie Life in them, (im kinda mischeivious) but I still feel like a giant part of me is missing still. I no longer grieve for him, I grieve for me, I don't miss him I miss the closeness that we had. And if I could skip the newness and awkardness with someone and go straight to the comfy closeness I would but life isn't like that. I'm turning twenty. In one year I will be as old as my sister when she had kids, and when she was married and when she was getting married. (I have three sisters) And now I don't even have a boyfriend. I feel like the complete love loser in the family. Don't anyone say I'm still young, yes i get that. but look at my family. I think it's natural to feel like I should have been married by 21. I wish I could spend all day in bed, but I know I have to get on with life
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Heartbroken
I was in love with someone and he left me for another girl. When he broke up with me, I had already packed my car with essentails because I was tired of crying every night of having dark dark thoughts and of him doing absolutely nothing about it. Literally. I woke him up one morning to tell him that I was having really dark thoughts and he looked at me, got up and left the room. I don't have those thoughts now because now theres no point ending my life for some guy who treated me like that. I'm not some tragic shakespeare female character. For the next couple of days I was a mess, couldn't get out of bed and cried all the time. I was all over the place. The day I found out that he slept with the other girl and they were dating is the day I finally felt put back together. I no longer wanted him back and realized that I deserved much better. Needless to say it felt like every molecule was slammed back together forcefully but hey I was together again. Beatened, and bloodied and bruised and barely breathing, but together. I climbed into the back seat because let's face it all I wanted to do is to run him over for caring so little for the years we shared together. And my friends asked me how I was doing I responded with "Do you know what happens to girls like me? They get married" And I started to laugh and laugh. I felt completely empty. I couldnt eat because I couldn't feel my stomach and I couldn't feel my heart beat. Lately I felt my heart beat for the first time, and with it the intense pain of what could only be a shattered heart. Then I felt as if I got punched in the stomach and it was only a few days ago that I felt my stomach growl with hunger because I eat once a day for two weeks. At least I'm back to my 17year old body. And I'm craving a massive cheeseburger like mad. I'm no where close to being up and running 100% I don't miss people and right now I dont miss him, which is nice, I just miss the closeness we had, well what I thought we had. Let's face it, I'm ready to settle down. But to do that I have to find myself first. When you are in a relationship you chisle yourself away to make room for them, so you like what they like and dislike what they dislike and when they are gone you are left with this huge hole where they were, and you need to fill it up with yourself, Two and a half years of chisling away leaves a pretty big hole so every so often I decide if the things I loved for two and a half years was Me or Him. Its slow but I also have super awesome friends that I'm with whenever possible. I don't like being a loose cannon, with nothing holding me down in one spot, it makes me feel all over the place, and unlike some people I'm super loyal. Happiness is different. Single happiness is a light free feelings, and relationship happiness is a heavy stable feeling. Right now before I can fall back to earth I need to learn to control my light freedom withou making a mess....Oh the facebook relationship thing that says "Its complicated" should really be "I'm complicated"
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Love with a side of Cheese
With Valentines Day coming up I've been thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend (obviously) and I realized that I am not a cheesy person. My relationship with my Grizzly Bear is a noncheesy one. We don't whisper sweet nothings to each other we don't write love notes in each others lunches and we say "I love you" all the time, but we respond like this "I have grown fond of you these past few years as well." or "I think this is going too fast" Then we ran away from each other and the other one chases the other, tackles, and hugs and goes "FOREVER AND EVER" we like to creep each other out and I usually win. My facebook page is the most cheesy part of our relationship, because let's face it I'm madly in love with the guy and my love for him needs to be publically announced because I can't keep it in and need to inform the world that I have the greatest guy and that every girl out there should be jealous.
So I was at the bar the other night and instead of one couple having methaphorical sex on the dancefloor...there was seven...which was gross and ridicoulous. And as much as I love making out with my boyfriend and grinding with him and having methaphorical sex with him, the whole sex on the dancefloor is alittle bit overrated. I just am not going to the bars again from feb.1 to feb.14. Because if I wanted to watch exorbishionist porn I would stay home and watch pay per view.
I do not have a cheesy relationship at all. For our first Valentines Day we went to Friday the 13th in theatres. (He had to come in my house and check the closest and under the bed) For our One Year Anniversary we had a really nice supper at a really nice restaurant downtown, he gave me a beautiful necklace, and we poured salt in the candle, and went home and ate chips and oreos in bed and watched some horror movie. For our second Valentines Day we stayed on the bed all day because we..well I was so hungover from his birthday celebration the night before, he got in trouble with the gift but thats a whole different story. For our Two Year we ate supper at our own house and went to the movies and this Valentines Day we are both working and will probably say "I love u" in bed...before we fall asleep. That's how cheesy we are. He's so great though that I want to be cheesy but in the end we end up wrestling and beating on each other. For those who know me know I bruise like a peach and there was a time where I would leave with bruises all over me, from our friendly beating. No domestic violence, I like rough housing and so does he so we just beat on each other. End of story. He's perfect for me and I'm excited for Valentines Day, just because I have someone who loves me as much as I love him and let's face it...it's alot. Happy Lovers Day People, hope you spend a few hours with the person of your dreams..cuz I will be
So I was at the bar the other night and instead of one couple having methaphorical sex on the dancefloor...there was seven...which was gross and ridicoulous. And as much as I love making out with my boyfriend and grinding with him and having methaphorical sex with him, the whole sex on the dancefloor is alittle bit overrated. I just am not going to the bars again from feb.1 to feb.14. Because if I wanted to watch exorbishionist porn I would stay home and watch pay per view.
I do not have a cheesy relationship at all. For our first Valentines Day we went to Friday the 13th in theatres. (He had to come in my house and check the closest and under the bed) For our One Year Anniversary we had a really nice supper at a really nice restaurant downtown, he gave me a beautiful necklace, and we poured salt in the candle, and went home and ate chips and oreos in bed and watched some horror movie. For our second Valentines Day we stayed on the bed all day because we..well I was so hungover from his birthday celebration the night before, he got in trouble with the gift but thats a whole different story. For our Two Year we ate supper at our own house and went to the movies and this Valentines Day we are both working and will probably say "I love u" in bed...before we fall asleep. That's how cheesy we are. He's so great though that I want to be cheesy but in the end we end up wrestling and beating on each other. For those who know me know I bruise like a peach and there was a time where I would leave with bruises all over me, from our friendly beating. No domestic violence, I like rough housing and so does he so we just beat on each other. End of story. He's perfect for me and I'm excited for Valentines Day, just because I have someone who loves me as much as I love him and let's face it...it's alot. Happy Lovers Day People, hope you spend a few hours with the person of your dreams..cuz I will be
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